Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
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when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.