[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.