@realHamOnWry: Don’t let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.
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@iMikosnyc: Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
@BackrowSeats: Burger King's slogan "Have It Your Way" was shortened from "Are You Sure You Wanna Eat This? Ok. Have It Your Way".
@bridger_w: Guy in the dressing room next to mine: "I don't want to get blood on these pants." I want to reply, "Then stay out of my way on the catwalk"
@mellimelle: It's the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.