Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
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*loses you in a crowd*
finally
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Bed should get ready for ME
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room