Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
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*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.