Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
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I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?