Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
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Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
The struggle is real.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.