Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
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Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple