Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
wtf is an acronym
Dead
Alive
Other✔
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Get off my horse you stupid moon