@jenlaw_11: Don't make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
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@philandher96: Trying to make pancakes this morning and it turns out I didn't get the spatula in the divorce.
@ohheyohhihello: Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, "car bidet."
@TravLeBlanc: One time a friend said that he "ain't never had no nothing". It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.