Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
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stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.