Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
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*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up