“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
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Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?