Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
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I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Sign at work today
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal