dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
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You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”