Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?