My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way