-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
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Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away