don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
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[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: 锛凤讥 锛わ讥锛肌锛激 锛筹集锛碉及
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Beyonc茅: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyonc茅: This really changes my song
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
big announcement, i鈥檓 working on a new horror property
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 馃巸
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn鈥檛 understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
sometimes, late at night, i鈥檒l look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti