Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
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Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter