Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
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EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
This could be us… but you playing
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️