If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
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Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
found this cool rock hiking today
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.