[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
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My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa