I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
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I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.