Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
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You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Uh oh…
*seductively eats two tums*
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.