Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
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Not today. 😅
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators