DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.