Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
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I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.