Don’t tell me what to do
You Might Also Like
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3