Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
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disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?