Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???