That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
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Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.