Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
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sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I didn’t come here to be called names
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.