Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
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The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My flabber has been gasted.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*