@bourgeoisalien: don't usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: "lift with a straight back!" it felt good
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@Book_Krazy: I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can't even see their reflection
@FlyJ_: Florist: "Would you like your flowers wrapped?" Me: "Nope, they're going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law."
@seamussaid: FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I'd read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that's a bad idea guys
@DeathStarPR: Stormtroopers never miss. They're just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.