@bourgeoisalien: don't usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: "lift with a straight back!" it felt good
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@michaelianblack: Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn't have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.
@_Aynne_: My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, "Of course I'll have another...I AM drinking for two, after all!"
@E_lok44: When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won't find it nearly as funny as you do.
@WheelTod: A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet