don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
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I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage