*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
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My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Stop sending me this shit.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.