Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
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People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever