Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
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MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
The prophecy is fulfilled
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”