don’t we all
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Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
People buying plungers never look happy.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.