don’t we all
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Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
#NoRestForTheWicked
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Van Gone
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
How actors in movies eat their food
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
they really do be looking like this
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*