“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
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My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck