Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
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8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.