Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
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I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.