Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
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Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Mad Max: Furry Road
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy