I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
You Might Also Like
just gave your address to some spiders
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*