Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
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I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
“A little help here, Danny?”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick