Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
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I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
incredible book dedication
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.