“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
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Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
😍😂🥰😂😍
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job