don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
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What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird