Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
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If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
How does one answer this?
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.