“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
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Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.