“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
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dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
the official breakfast of 2021
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?