Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree